TINTO: A Bathroom Prepped for the Apocalypse

Rating (as a bathroom): 2.5/5 Flushes

Rating (as a bomb shelter): 4.5/5 Flushes

Single / Multi-person: Single

Stats: 1 toilet, 1 sink, 1 will to survive

Amenities: Music

Hand Drying: Paper towels in a dish

Auto / Manual Flush: Manual

Atmosphere: Simple

Smell: Fresh, hint of Febreeze

Cleanliness: Very

Quick note on the food:  Great bacon.  (for more, visit twoeatphilly)

Tinto's bathroom may very well be the most well-equipped apocalyptic shelter in Philadelphia's entire restaurant district.  However, pulling out all the stops to protect yourself from just about everything doesn't leave much room for quality bathroom furnishings.  Let's see how they cut costs...

The first thing you'll notice upon entering this 50-square-foot bathroom is the super-busy magic eye wallpaper that, if you relax your eyes and stare at it long enough, will reveal a hidden image of a terrible choice in wallpaper.  Looks like they could only afford one wall's worth though...  The air was flooded with the same music that was playing in the restaurant - the smooth Spanish tunes of Carlos Santana and Shakira imitators.  Pure unlicensed, uncopyrighted gold.

But oh no, it didn't end there.  Nothing beats "Quality Bathroom Tissue" when it comes to top brands of toilet paper.  Overcompensating quantity for quality with three extra rolls never hurts.  But by far the best way to save money is to buy a trashcan that's hilariously small.  Like maybe-can-fit-10-paper-towels-on-a-good-day small.  Fantastic.

At first glance, few may realize that this small restroom actually doubles as a defense-against-everything bunker.  Two hand rails around the toilet help you stay steady during all the devastating earthquakes that frequent the east coast.  Fire alarms will be sure you're the first to know about any major fires.  "What about floods?" you ask.  No worries.  A drain in the floor will take care of that (and I guess the drain in the sink would too if it gets that high).  

"No big deal" you might say.  "What typical restaurant bathroom doesn't have those things?"  Fine.  But what if there's an air raid?  Or poison gas attack?  Or terrorists have taken everyone in the restaurant hostage and are about to break down the door?  What can your glorious bathroom do for you now?!  Enter Tinto's architect.  Big speaker for air raid siren: check.  Poison gas monitor: check.  Secret ceiling escape hatch: check.  Nooooo problem, Jimmy.

Now assume WWIII begins while you're on the pot and an atomic bomb blows away 3 walls and the ceiling.  Bonebowl.  But wait!  Not all hope is lost!  You can still use the swiveling mirror on the remaining wall as a heliograph to signal for other survivors off in the distance (just pray that they're directly in front of you).  And just to be safe, in case there's a zombie takeover, they conveniently left a grenade for you on the sink.  How thoughtful. 

Employees must wash hands before returning to what's left of the world.

MELTING POT

Rating: 4/5 Flushes

Single / Multi-person: Multi

Stats: 1 urinal, 2 stalls (one handicap)

Amenities: Music, clever signs, fancy faucets

Hand Drying: Paper towels in a basket

Auto / Manual Flush: Manual

Atmosphere: Clean and Cool

Smell: Fresh, slight hint of flowers

Cleanliness: Very

Quick note on the food:  A bit undercooked. I blame the chef.

It was everything I could have hoped for on a date with my girlfriend… mood lighting, smooth jazz, and a pleasant aroma of flowers wafting through the air.  Too bad she couldn't visit the men's room to enjoy it.

The general layout of the bathroom was acceptable although it broke the I-can-see-the-urinal-from-the-door rule.  Nobody wants to hand out sneak peaks while they're taking a leak, especially those with stage fright.  Though I will admit they earned some points back with catchy sayings over the urinal and in the stalls.  

There's no date advice like bathroom-poster date advice, that's for sure (my one buddy won over his girlfriend's heart by washing his hands before returning to work).  Plus it gives you something other than a blank wall to look at while your relieving yourself.  

As a fan of the great outdoors, I was pleasantly surprised with the 40-square-foot handicap stall (yes i measured).  (A friend of mine thinks it's immoral to use a handicap stall if you're not handicapped, but that's a different story for another time)  The stall had two features that i thought to be comment-worthy.  Most stalls have a hook toward the top of the door to hang stuff on while you're going.  This is the first handicap stall I've seen which had the hook conveniently below the handle (below, left).  Consideration points to Melting Pot!  Which they quickly lost in the other feature… The architect of the men's room decided to extend the small stall door frame over the top of the handicap stall (below, right) - which I can only assume was left there as a chin-up bar.  When am I not craving an upper-body workout after poppin a squat?  But put it in a handicap stall?  Really?  You sir, Mr. Architect, are like school in july.  No class.

The sink area, on the other hand, was like a rising senior realizing that he needs to take 15 more courses to graduate.  The stylish, well-organized, make-sure-you-still-look-good cove gave off an egyptian feel (It was probably the cold stone color of the wash station.  Or the distinct geometric cut of the sink.  Or the rotting mummy corpse under the sink.).  The split faucets and mirrors gave it a His and Her vibe, which is fairly disturbing in a men's room to say the least.  

But before I completely bash the hand washing station, I will say that i was intrigued with the faucet and sink design.  Sure they could have thrown in a typical faucet and bowl sink.  But they didn't, and for that: bonus points.  The two faucets pop right out of the mirror and look like they're floating in mid air (especially if you put your face real close to the mirror.  Not that you ever would though).  

The sink was comprised of a slanted cut in the countertop, letting the water drain back into a narrow slit.  Sleek and sexy.  Not quite sure what purpose the tiny plants in front of the sink served other than making me picture a midget with a tiny watering can feeding them.  

Overall, it was quite a pleasant experience.  A clean, well-designed lavatory that offers dating advice and opportunities to work-out.  Not too shabby.  My only regret is not having a giant cd to see what happens when I stick it in the sink.  

Welcome to the Stall!

You're in a new city.  It's dinnertime.  You're hungry.  You do a quick search and find a restaurant that looks pretty sweet… but you have one nagging question: what if the bathroom is sub-par?

American Bathroom brings you the best (and worst) of American Bathrooms.  We've decided to leave the food blogs to the pros and settle on something a bit easier.  Join us on our quest to find the ultimate restroom while we review the wannabes on the way.

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