FOX & HOUND: Spoiling Patrons with Unwanted Freebies

Rating: 2/5 Flushes
Single / Multi person: Multi
Stats: 2 toilets, 2 urinals, 1 television

Stat they need: Remote control
Amenities: Free beer, free mouthwash

On TV: Phillies, Eagles, Flyers, Sixers (if nothing else is on)
On the Walls: Drink specials for the week
Atmosphere: Go Team!

Is the Disney Movie Based on this Bar: No
Quick note on the food: Typical bar food

With their 15+ TV's, Fox and Hound will make sure you don't miss a minute of the big game, even in the bathroom. That is, if you enjoy going in the sink. There is a TV in the bathroom but you won't be able to watch it on the pot (poor choice on their part). Though you will be able to listen.  But back to the point: every bathroom should have a TV, or be able to see one.  My college dorm was setup so I could watch the living room TV in the john from reflections in the bathroom door mirror and the reflective front window of the microwave (illustrated below).  Best use of a microwave ever.

Afraid the bar food you just ordered will get cold during your trip to the bathroom?  Bring it on in with you.  Fortunately for you, they decided to replace all the bathroom ceiling lights with heat lamps.  Now you know what fast food fries and other alliterations feel like.  Need a drink with that?  Every trip to the handicapped stall comes with a complementary Bud Light (hope you like it lukewarm and half-drank!).

Other than that, this bathroom is pretty handicap-unfriendly.  The lock on the door doesn't line up so you'll actually have to lift the door up to slide the pin over.  Free workout!  And the toilet paper dispenser is actually lower than the toilet seat so enjoy those deep bends getting some.  Though I will note that the flyer of weekly specials on the stall wall is blind-friendly... being that there's nothing to read in the first place.  

Lots of people have different preferences when it comes to hand drying: blow dryer, paper towel dispenser, paper towels in an ornate dish, an old man whose sole job it is to hand out paper towels while seated next to an empty "tips" jar, making it so awkward when you're about to leave that you don't even take a paper towel and have to wipe your hands on your shirt outside the bathroom. Oh, and half-wet paper towels scattered on the sink.  Which is clearly Fox and Hound's preference.  After you're done takin care of business, head back to your table with a round a shots.  Sit back and relax while all your friends toast your generosity.  Then make a run for the door before they realize it's free mouthwash from the men's room.

CARRABBA'S: An Italian Bathroom for an Italian Grill

Rating: 3/5 Flushes

Single / Multi person: Multi

Stats: 2 toilets, 2 urinals, 1 sense of Italian hospitality

Amenities: Fake ivy

Atmosphere: Italian?

Type of dressing most likely to be found in this bathroom: Italian

Quick note on the food: Good mussel sauce.  And bread.

It's hard to believe that in my 23 years of consuming food, I've never eaten at a Carrabba's (or played Scrabble, but that's a different story for another time).  Beyond the bathroom door, you'll find your typical setup but don't be fooled, the hospitality's all in the details.  Wander your way back to the spacious handicap stall (it's ok to spoil yourself once in a while) and admire the fixed slat door. I don't know about you, but it's gotta be one of my all-time favorite kinds of slat doors.  You can see out.  But nobody can see in.  Unless they install it upside down.  In which case you should just hold it while you alert the authorities.

After doin your thing, you'll be pleasantly surprised when you reach for the tp.  Do you prefer top-feed toilet paper?  No problem, you got it.  Or do you prefer it the other way?  Aside from having a completely terrible preference in unrolling, you're in luck too.  That's right, Carrabba's took the liberty of providing you with BOTH styles of tp unrollability.  Thinking this might be just a fluke, I later checked the other stall and to my surprise, there it sat.  Another over/under combo.  Puntelli pazzo a Carrabba's.

Did your baby marsupial just mess its diaper?  Not a problem.

Finally, what Italian restaurant bathroom is complete without some fake ivy?  Throw in a naked armless statue and it's a done deal.  Plus 2 points for having ivy that's not just stenciled on the walls.  But minus points for it looking terrible.  And goodbye patriotic points altogether.

Penn State Reber Building: A Bathroom Full of Ridiculousness

Rating: 2.5/5 Flushes

Single / Multi-person: Multi

Stats: 4 urinals?, 2 stalls (one handicap)

Amenities: Lots of things that shouldn't be in a bathroom

Hand Drying: Paper towels in a dispenser

Auto / Manual Flush: Manual

Atmosphere: 70's style. Any temp. you want.

Smell: Mold and mildew

Cleanliness: Bearable

Quick note on the food: If you bought food in this bathroom I wouldn't eat it.

This bathroom is located on the second floor in the Reber building on Penn State's Campus. Being an avid user of many Penn State bathrooms, I knew what to expect when walking into it. But oh boy! I was wrong. This was no ordinary penn state bathroom.  

Upon walking through the doors you will felt like you are in one of those children's books, like wacky wednesday, where you have to find which objects are not supposed to be there. A bench, a metal cabinet and a set of lockers. YOU WIN! Now this wouldn't be so weird if Reber building was a gym, but there isn't a gym in a half mile radius of this place. The bench must be used for pep talks and I bet the four owners of those lockers are stashing away the most heavenly rolls of toilet paper.

As dirty as the floor looks, the bathroom was pretty clean for being in use since what looked to be the 1970s. The dirt had a layer of this years floor wax over it which kept things shiny and interesting.

The next scene that will catch your eye are these four objects in the corner. After many minutes of debating how to use them I decided to dive right in.  While praying that no one else would come in, I soon realized that these urinals completely reduce the amount of splash-back. Every mans dream has finally come true! But a little bit of privacy is in order. 

The stall, on the other hand (non-wiping hand), was very normal. If there is a stall out there with doors that open outward let us know, please.  It is inconvenient for the larger and clumsy men who can't get around the inward-swinging doors and end up in the toilet. If, however, you do keep your gym clothes in those lockers, don't plan on doing your pre-workout pull-ups on the stall chin-up bars because the tops are quite sharp.

The porcelain, old-style sinks will bring you back to your high school days. Plain and simple, these sinks get the job done.  The one-touch soap paper towel dispensers speed up the process.  The sheen of a metal tap between the sinks is barely noticeable to the common eye. Either the plumber was thinking of midgets when he built this faucet, or there's a foot washing station in the bathroom? (mind you, the nearest beach is over 200 miles away). It could, however, be for those rare times when you accidentally miss the toilet and need to clean up. 

Do you like your drop zone to be hot? How about extra cold? The option is now yours.  This little box on the wall is an unexpected feature that allows you to crank up the heat and sweat everything out for a total cleansing.  This bathroom has just transformed into a spa!

As you exit you will notice a glowing red light switch that will make you think "wait, am I in a bathroom or a nuclear laboratory?" However, it is confirmed that the switch does nothing (in the bathroom at least).  I, personally ran in fear that I had just set off a self-destruction device.

So, if you're in the area stop by the second floor Reber Building, that is if its still there.

TINTO: A Bathroom Prepped for the Apocalypse

Rating (as a bathroom): 2.5/5 Flushes

Rating (as a bomb shelter): 4.5/5 Flushes

Single / Multi-person: Single

Stats: 1 toilet, 1 sink, 1 will to survive

Amenities: Music

Hand Drying: Paper towels in a dish

Auto / Manual Flush: Manual

Atmosphere: Simple

Smell: Fresh, hint of Febreeze

Cleanliness: Very

Quick note on the food:  Great bacon.  (for more, visit twoeatphilly)

Tinto's bathroom may very well be the most well-equipped apocalyptic shelter in Philadelphia's entire restaurant district.  However, pulling out all the stops to protect yourself from just about everything doesn't leave much room for quality bathroom furnishings.  Let's see how they cut costs...

The first thing you'll notice upon entering this 50-square-foot bathroom is the super-busy magic eye wallpaper that, if you relax your eyes and stare at it long enough, will reveal a hidden image of a terrible choice in wallpaper.  Looks like they could only afford one wall's worth though...  The air was flooded with the same music that was playing in the restaurant - the smooth Spanish tunes of Carlos Santana and Shakira imitators.  Pure unlicensed, uncopyrighted gold.

But oh no, it didn't end there.  Nothing beats "Quality Bathroom Tissue" when it comes to top brands of toilet paper.  Overcompensating quantity for quality with three extra rolls never hurts.  But by far the best way to save money is to buy a trashcan that's hilariously small.  Like maybe-can-fit-10-paper-towels-on-a-good-day small.  Fantastic.

At first glance, few may realize that this small restroom actually doubles as a defense-against-everything bunker.  Two hand rails around the toilet help you stay steady during all the devastating earthquakes that frequent the east coast.  Fire alarms will be sure you're the first to know about any major fires.  "What about floods?" you ask.  No worries.  A drain in the floor will take care of that (and I guess the drain in the sink would too if it gets that high).  

"No big deal" you might say.  "What typical restaurant bathroom doesn't have those things?"  Fine.  But what if there's an air raid?  Or poison gas attack?  Or terrorists have taken everyone in the restaurant hostage and are about to break down the door?  What can your glorious bathroom do for you now?!  Enter Tinto's architect.  Big speaker for air raid siren: check.  Poison gas monitor: check.  Secret ceiling escape hatch: check.  Nooooo problem, Jimmy.

Now assume WWIII begins while you're on the pot and an atomic bomb blows away 3 walls and the ceiling.  Bonebowl.  But wait!  Not all hope is lost!  You can still use the swiveling mirror on the remaining wall as a heliograph to signal for other survivors off in the distance (just pray that they're directly in front of you).  And just to be safe, in case there's a zombie takeover, they conveniently left a grenade for you on the sink.  How thoughtful. 

Employees must wash hands before returning to what's left of the world.

MELTING POT

Rating: 4/5 Flushes

Single / Multi-person: Multi

Stats: 1 urinal, 2 stalls (one handicap)

Amenities: Music, clever signs, fancy faucets

Hand Drying: Paper towels in a basket

Auto / Manual Flush: Manual

Atmosphere: Clean and Cool

Smell: Fresh, slight hint of flowers

Cleanliness: Very

Quick note on the food:  A bit undercooked. I blame the chef.

It was everything I could have hoped for on a date with my girlfriend… mood lighting, smooth jazz, and a pleasant aroma of flowers wafting through the air.  Too bad she couldn't visit the men's room to enjoy it.

The general layout of the bathroom was acceptable although it broke the I-can-see-the-urinal-from-the-door rule.  Nobody wants to hand out sneak peaks while they're taking a leak, especially those with stage fright.  Though I will admit they earned some points back with catchy sayings over the urinal and in the stalls.  

There's no date advice like bathroom-poster date advice, that's for sure (my one buddy won over his girlfriend's heart by washing his hands before returning to work).  Plus it gives you something other than a blank wall to look at while your relieving yourself.  

As a fan of the great outdoors, I was pleasantly surprised with the 40-square-foot handicap stall (yes i measured).  (A friend of mine thinks it's immoral to use a handicap stall if you're not handicapped, but that's a different story for another time)  The stall had two features that i thought to be comment-worthy.  Most stalls have a hook toward the top of the door to hang stuff on while you're going.  This is the first handicap stall I've seen which had the hook conveniently below the handle (below, left).  Consideration points to Melting Pot!  Which they quickly lost in the other feature… The architect of the men's room decided to extend the small stall door frame over the top of the handicap stall (below, right) - which I can only assume was left there as a chin-up bar.  When am I not craving an upper-body workout after poppin a squat?  But put it in a handicap stall?  Really?  You sir, Mr. Architect, are like school in july.  No class.

The sink area, on the other hand, was like a rising senior realizing that he needs to take 15 more courses to graduate.  The stylish, well-organized, make-sure-you-still-look-good cove gave off an egyptian feel (It was probably the cold stone color of the wash station.  Or the distinct geometric cut of the sink.  Or the rotting mummy corpse under the sink.).  The split faucets and mirrors gave it a His and Her vibe, which is fairly disturbing in a men's room to say the least.  

But before I completely bash the hand washing station, I will say that i was intrigued with the faucet and sink design.  Sure they could have thrown in a typical faucet and bowl sink.  But they didn't, and for that: bonus points.  The two faucets pop right out of the mirror and look like they're floating in mid air (especially if you put your face real close to the mirror.  Not that you ever would though).  

The sink was comprised of a slanted cut in the countertop, letting the water drain back into a narrow slit.  Sleek and sexy.  Not quite sure what purpose the tiny plants in front of the sink served other than making me picture a midget with a tiny watering can feeding them.  

Overall, it was quite a pleasant experience.  A clean, well-designed lavatory that offers dating advice and opportunities to work-out.  Not too shabby.  My only regret is not having a giant cd to see what happens when I stick it in the sink.  

Welcome to the Stall!

You're in a new city.  It's dinnertime.  You're hungry.  You do a quick search and find a restaurant that looks pretty sweet… but you have one nagging question: what if the bathroom is sub-par?

American Bathroom brings you the best (and worst) of American Bathrooms.  We've decided to leave the food blogs to the pros and settle on something a bit easier.  Join us on our quest to find the ultimate restroom while we review the wannabes on the way.

If there's a bathroom that you want us to check out, let us know at americanbathroom@gmail.com.

Happy reading!